J.R.'s Zombieland: One Nation Under Twinkies

The "Thanksgiving Season" started with the "threat" of "All American" products such as Twinkies and Wonder Bread being taken away from our gaping maws forever:

...the media Narrative blames it on the unions:

Let's ignore the obvious here: that Twinkies, Wonder Bread, and the other Hostess brethren were probably not the best food to address our nation's health problems.

It is most important to note at this time that according to the Narrative, Hostess products = "Traditional American Values". Twinkie The Kid is a cowboy, most of their products incorporate red, white and blue colors, and of course, there's the Nostalgia Factor:

So in the Narrative, anybody who would stand in the way of Hostess bread and pastries production is therefore "anti-American"...and, in a way, anti-childhood:

Now we have the unions and consumer groups protesting against "Black Friday," and its relatively new sister "Gray Thursday" (the latter forcing people to work on Thanksgiving instead of spending it with their families):

...but that doesn't stop the literal mobs of shoppers:

What can be more all-American than shopping on Black Friday? If the unions and others are opposed to that, they must be "Commies," right? Thank god Thor Chris Hemsworth and his pals are gonna save us from the Commies in the box office in "Red Dawn":

As an added sync, the "South Park" Thanksgiving episode this year was a parody of "Thor":

At stake during this episode? A shortage of turkey stuffing. Which is almost as bad as a shortage of Twinkies.

While the sight of copious hordes of shoppers beating each other up on Black Friday reassures us that everything is okay (yeah, it sorta looks like those hordes beating each other up for gas in the Northeast only a few weeks ago, but this one's cool), we are reminded as a nation to stay on the alert: sites like Drudge, Fox News and others warn us that there is not only a War on Christmas, but a new War on Thanksgiving.

And let's face it -- there's just a big war on everything that makes America, America, right? The war on Twinkies, the war on forcing minimum wagers to work on Thanksgiving, Paul McCartney's war on the poultry industry by asking Americans not to eat turkeys -- not to mention the entire Twilight Of The Action Movie Gods that we've addressed in an earlier post (hitting Ragnarok proportions since we last visited it).

And then finally -- the most ominous omen of all:

That's right: J.R. Ewing himself, the arrogant, no-apologies lovable sociopath capitalist icon of the 1980s, has passed away (with all due respect to actor Larry Hagman, who died in, of all places: Dallas, Texas; Texas, as we all know, has seceded from the United States in the comic books). In other words: we've lost Twinkies, we lost J.R. -- the "American Dream" as we know it is over. Certainly, Drudge understands the significance of the event in the Narrative. It is truly "The End."

Is it a coincidence that in the post-apocalyptic movie "Zombieland," cowboy-hatted "Tallahassee" seeks the ultimate form of sustenance and symbol of a civilized, pre-undead America -- the Twinkie: